IS YOUR CHILD UNUSUALLY CREEPY?
1. When I ask my child to clean his or her room, he or she responds by:
(a) Begrudgingly chucking toys back where they belong (after a great deal of nagging).
(b) Threatening to run away and live with circus freaks.
(c) Looking at me cross-eyed while strumming a banjo.
2. When I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet coming up behind me, I know I’m about to be:
(b) Plied with repeated requests for candy for dinner.
3. My child’s artistic renderings tend to feature:
(a) Puppies in the park on a summer’s day.
(c) The word “Redrum” scrawled in red…..lipstick? Is that lipstick? I hope it’s lipstick…
4. My child was conceived via:
(a) Careful planning and/or natural methods.
(b) Total lack of planning and/or full-on medical intervention.
(c) The completion of adoption paperwork submitted to a creepy Gothic orphanage located on an isolated country road in either rural Massachusetts or Eastern Europe.
5. My child’s favorite sport is:
(b) Playing baseball on X-Box.
(c) Chasing the mailman with a baseball bat.
6. My child’s favorite food is:
(a) A nutritious macrobiotic homemade meal, like grilled wild salmon on a bed of organic spinach leaves.
(b) A Happy Meal.
7. My child likes to play the game Hangman:
(a) With paper and pen.
(b) On the computer.
(c) With rope.
8. My child sees:
(a) The good in everyone.
(b) Every situation as an opportunity to barter for new toys.
(c) Dead people.
9. My child’s best friend is:
(a) The kid next door.
(c) A demon harkening from ancient Mesopotamia.
10. At summer camp, my child is renowned for:
(a) Possessing advanced archery skills.
(b) Eating bugs.
(c) Living at the bottom of a lake and surfacing from time to time to kill off promiscuous camp counselors.
If you answered mostly A’s, your child is not particularly creepy. (Dull as shit, though. Sorry.)
If you answered mostly B’s, your child is creepy, but in a pretty typical way.
If you answered mostly C’s, your child is creepy. Period.