QUIZ:
IS YOUR CHILD UNUSUALLY CREEPY?

1. When I ask my child to clean his or her room, he or she responds by:
(a) Begrudgingly chucking toys back where they belong (after a great deal of nagging).
(b) Threatening to run away and live with circus freaks.
(c) Looking at me cross-eyed while strumming a banjo.

 

2. When I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet coming up behind me, I know I’m about to be:
(a) Hugged.
(b) Plied with repeated requests for candy for dinner.
(c) Mutilated.

 

3.  My child’s artistic renderings tend to feature:
(a) Puppies in the park on a summer’s day.
(b) Clowns.
(c) The word “Redrum” scrawled in red…..lipstick?  Is that lipstick?  I hope it’s lipstick…

 

4.  My child was conceived via:
(a) Careful planning and/or natural methods.
(b) Total lack of planning and/or full-on medical intervention.
(c) The completion of adoption paperwork submitted to a creepy Gothic orphanage located on an isolated country road in either rural Massachusetts or Eastern Europe.

 

5.  My child’s favorite sport is:
(a) Baseball.
(b) Playing baseball on X-Box.
(c) Chasing the mailman with a baseball bat.

 

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6.  My child’s favorite food is:
(a)  A nutritious macrobiotic homemade meal, like grilled wild salmon on a bed of organic spinach leaves.
(b)  A Happy Meal.
(c)  Haggis.

 

7. My child likes to play the game Hangman:
(a) With paper and pen.
(b) On the computer.
(c) With rope.

 

8.  My child sees:
(a) The good in everyone.
(b) Every situation as an opportunity to barter for new toys.
(c) Dead people.

 

9.  My child’s best friend is:
(a) The kid next door.
(b) Imaginary.
(c)  A demon harkening from ancient Mesopotamia.

 

10.  At summer camp, my child is renowned for:
(a) Possessing advanced archery skills.
(b) Eating bugs.
(c) Living at the bottom of a lake and surfacing from time to time to kill off promiscuous camp counselors.
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If you answered mostly A’s, your child is not particularly creepy.   (Dull as shit, though.  Sorry.)

If you answered mostly B’s, your child is creepy, but in a pretty typical way.

If you answered mostly C’s, your child is creepy.  Period.