If the previous at-a-glance chart didn’t clarify the matter, the following quiz ought to be able to definitively determine if you’re living with a teenager or a vampire.


Circle the correct response following each question below.


1.  I suspect this entity is repelled by sunlight because:

(a) Sunlight has an adverse effect on their unique physiological makeup which causes them to burst into flames.
(b) School, most chores and other forms of “work” are typically performed during daylight hours.
(c) The most fun extracurricular activities (stalking prey in nightclubs, sex in cars, binge drinking on blood and tequila in equal measure) take place after dark.


2. This entity depletes me of:

(a) Blood.
(b) Disposable income.
(c) My will to live.


3. The walls of the entity’s bedchamber are covered with:

(a) Splatter.
(b) Posters of the latest emo icon.
(c) Posters of Marilyn Manson in particular.




4. The entity affectionately refers to your family pet as:

(a) A between-meal snack.
(b) Snowball.
(c) My familiar.


5. The entity obtains its clothes from:

(a) A lovely little boutique in London….circa the Victorian era. (Good taste never goes out of style.)
(b) The mall in general.
(c) Hot Topic in particular.


6. The entity’s heart can be easily split in two with:

(a) A wooden stake.
(b) The words, “You’re grounded.”
(c) The unrequited love held for his or her one true soulmate who spurns him/her as if he/she was a vile monster.


lost boys


7. If you were to say to the entity, “My, what big teeth you have!”, he or she would respond with:

(a) “All the better to eat you with.”
(b) “It’s your fault I inherited these pointy premolars! Our gene pool sucks! You’ve ruined my life! I hate you!”
(c) A menacing smile and/or maniacal laughter and/or some witty repartee about having you for dinner.



 If you selected mostly A’s, you are living with a vampire.

 If you selected mostly B’s, you are living with a teenager.

 If you selected mostly C’s, you are living with a teenage vampire, who will remain a teenager forever. Sucks to be you.