And I’m launching a new category on Ye Olde Blogge here. Over the past eight years (not coincidentally, the age of my daughter), I’ve come to appreciate just how much my love of the macabre – and of scary movies and television shows in particular – has prepared me for the myriad challenges of parenthood. In fact, I couldn’t help but notice how various developmental stages of childhood can eerily parallel various horror sub-genres.
Take toddlers, for instance. (Please.)
Zombies and toddlers share innumerable characteristics. Those who are not overly fond of children might argue that zombies are more tolerable company within small confined spaces, like airplanes. But, overall, there are far more similarities than differences between the two groups. Barring special exceptions, both tend to lack:
- * speed
- * coordination
- * fully operational limbs
- * fully operational intelligence
- * an ability to vocalize beyond random, unintelligible grunts and moans; and
- * any capacity to refrain from leaking gross stuff from various orifices.
Am I wrong? (Spoiler alert: the answer is NO.)
We’ll get into the whole toddlers = zombies thing in more detail in the coming weeks/posts. And how babies = mutants, the pre-K set = poltergeist, teenagers = werewolves, and more. (Oh so much more, gentle reader!) But I had to share this exciting discovery ASAP. Pediatricians, super nannies, child psychologists and their ilk are largely talking out of their asses. If you want the straight scoop on how to survive the perilous path of parenthood, peeps like George Romero, Wes Craven and Ridley Scott will teach you infinitely more about how to cope with those little monsters (a.k.a. “kids”) when shit gets REAL.