Yes, he’s single. But if you wish to actually snag this virile eligible bachelor and prominent world leader, here are some phrases you’ll probably want to have translated into Russian and memorized first.
1. Excuse me, but your pet tiger wrangler looks terribly drunk. Are you sure we’re safe?
2. I didn’t realize that a “very small token of my affection” meant Crimea.
3. Oh, you’re ex-KGB? I swear I didn’t know that. No, it’s got nothing to do with the fact that I only say nice things about you via text, phone, email and in all online forums while always signing off with #omnipotent. I just think you’re an awesome boyfriend, I swear.
4. Why, yes, judo throws in the bedroom DO get me excited! May I get up now?
5. You want to show me “Stalin’s bunker”? Is that a euphemism, or do you mean for reals?
6. Why do I always bring my official food taster to dinner after we’ve had a lover’s quarrel? Oh, no reason, really….but if he starts foaming at the mouth, we are totally breaking up.
7. Would you stop trying to decode my texts, phone calls, emails and online postings? I’m just being silly with that whole #omnipotent thing. NO, ME DRUMMING MY FINGERNAILS ON THE TABLETOP IS NOT MORSE CODE.
8. Is that a missile silo, 8,500 nuclear warheads, the formulas for 872 biological and/or chemical weapons, and countless additional unregistered Weapons of Mass Destruction in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, you big stud?
9. Yes, you requiring me to participate in an ongoing approval poll, with a focus group population of one, on the subject of “How Great Of A Boyfriend Is Putin, Really?” is a really ingenious way to keep your finger on the pulse of this relationship. Yes, I promise I’m being totally honest. Yes, I too value open communication.
10. Hey, tell me that funny story again…..you know, the one about how the last girlfriend who disappointed you disappeared under mysterious circumstances in the dead of night? I, like, never get tired of it.